im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
