wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
