Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
