how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
