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The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
