you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
