At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
