Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
