Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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