We named our party play list daddy issues
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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