you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
