I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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