Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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