Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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