Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
