I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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