she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
