my mouth tastes like poor choices
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
