After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
