Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
