If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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