no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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