I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize