there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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