My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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