I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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