Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
