At least make sure they are 18
Why
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
