I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
