i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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