it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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