pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
