so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
