allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
