Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
