Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
