I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
