cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
We smell like vodka and hangover
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
