Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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