just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just blew my weed a kiss
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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