What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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