what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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