So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
