You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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