Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(636): View more from Missouri

Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.

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(510): View more from California

I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets

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(562): View more from California

I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service

(562): View more from California

And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?

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(520): View more from Arizona

He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.

(203): View more from Connecticut

You're perfect

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

FUCK THIS BIRD

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.

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