is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
