sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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