Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
