Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize