Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
