My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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