my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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