I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
