Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
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