I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
