U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize