I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
