Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
