i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
