A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
