im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize