If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
