I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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