Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Your cock deserves a montage
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
