There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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