Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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