u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
